The Twilight Saga
Epic Fuckery and Awesomeness
Review by: ~ Rana

I confess, I’m a twihoor and I’m okay with it. I love the “Twilight Saga.” My liking his film series, well it came as a complete surprise. I said to myself: glitter? Fuck’s sake, this guy has a sparkly prick? What the fuck? Seriously? This lady’s Mormon or something, she has to be! (She in fact is, la!). But the soundtracks are amazing and if you feel you aren’t current with new bands you should check them out. They ease you into the warm water slowly. They have the most elite on their playlists here: bands that are relatively new and gargantuan heavyweights as well.

“Twilight”- Official”: Muse (this is a running theme due to the author’s love for them), Mute Math, Perry Farrell and Collective Soul (‘member them)? Also, let’s not forget Paramore, offered two tracks for this one. The director, Catherine Hardwick (“Thrashin’,” “Lords of Dogtown”) strong-armed actor Robert Pattinson into giving up two of his personal tracks (not available anywhere else) to the list, which was brilliant on her part. He’s a soulful blues singer and his voice, although untrained, has a whole lot of potential. Who knew a spoiled boy from London born with plums in his mouth could be moonlight blue? It is all completely in Rob’s comfy lap that I finally gave in to Twilight. It was his songs that broke my back and wheedled their way into my heart. The rest of the nOObs are an eclectic blend which I really enjoy and I’m so glad I tried these soundtracks because they opened up new doors for me musically.
“Twilight- New Moon”: Muse, of course, handed over a track for this. Others include The Killers (go gush away in your bathroom, people, so no one will know you love them), Death Cab for Cutie (not my bag, but they seem to be obsessed over and I actually like the track they wrote for the film). I’m personally fascinated with the bands I hadn’t heard before: Black Rebel Motorcycles, Hurricane Bells and especially Editors (not The Editors, just Editors. A bit annoying, that). If you have a lighter side that likes haunting, feminine music like I do, the Lykke Li track is fucking amazing. She’s a love child Bjork and Tori Amos born on Lesbos. Also, Anya Marina is a well lauded lady.

“Twilight-Eclipse”: So far, this one is my very favorite. Two bands I would kill for: The Dead Weather (featuring Jack White, whom my girly bits tingle over as he’s the most talented, innovative and incredibly roots bound guitarist around today. No one better. But I think he’s lying when he says he’s from Detroit. My guess is Kentucky, or maybe Louisiana. After all, he told everyone that his wife was his sister… that’s a documented record of deceit). I was well chuffed hearing that Jacky’s swank was on this new soundtrack. I almost peed. I just wonder how he feels about it, since he’s an a bit finicky and rightly so. When Slash asked him to be a part of his recent release, Cracker Jack wanted to sing. Slash egomaniacally said no (surprise, surprise) and so Jacky fucked them off. The Black Keys, who are absolutely my new favorite, are the dog’s bollocks (that’s good, I swear). I heard one song and immediately went out and got their entire discography. Their album “Thickfreakness” is my whipping bench. Vampire Weekend is on here as well if you’re as weird as I am. The Bravery has a track. I am especially intrigued by Band of Horses and Metric, although I’ll have to further investigate. A lot of these bands wrote songs specifically for the films, so you are not likely to find these tracks anywhere else. Sorry about your luck. But you can always keep to the code, I guess. You bluddy pirates!

I’m looking forward to seeing the lineup on the “Breaking Dawn” soundtrack. Muse, of course, is taken for granted. But I’d like to see Meyers’ other favorite, My Chemical Romance, give one up to the grinding machine of this franchise if for nothing else than the massive royalties and a huge explosion of their already maniacal fan base all by the fact that millions of idiots with mommy’s money worldwide will discover them this way. MCR is a bit of a different demographic and there’s a lot of space for them to paint those twelve year old unicorn and rainbow collecting pink twats with plenty of black. Hopefully they’ll be willing to sacrifice themselves up to the never ending lines of twitty girls screaming and crying at Wal Mart and Target to get their greasy/grubby paws on the CDs… PLEASE! O, Gods of Thee Twilight Saga, answer my prayer.

Ladies: admit it, maybe you’ve been holding out on “Twilight” because it’s a fad, but really deep down, you’re fucking curious. There’s a whole lot of man meat in it and absolutely no bisexual encounters between Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt (shudder and spit). Watch the movies, explore the themes because the producers nailed the use of tone; matching perfect songs with pivotal scenes for an all encompassing high. Boys: check it out, let your girlfriend drag you (even though we know you’re melodramatic in your own manly way so you have to pretend you could never and would never fall victim to this or any timeless love story. Wankers). I know you bitch boys cried when you saw “The Note Book,” don’t lie to me.

It was because of drooling boredom that I finally watched “Twilight.” I had steered away from it because of some stubborn principle that I could not even explain to myself, which at my age, come on, that’s ridiculous. Getting assfaced about a film franchise and a book line and t shirts and general worshipful, holy plastic action figure relics of the highest importance in the church of female puberty was “not my thing.” I wanted to believe I was above it. The bonus is: available for sale are Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson cotton cheeky boy undies with Robby’s face silk-sreened on the inside crotch. I never lie. Next they’ll install “the Tongue” in the crotch on Edward’s mouth. Even I would buy that shit. Poor boys, you’ll all die virgins.

I watched the first film before I read the book, which was its saving grace as far as my opinion of the books go. Good stories, shit writing. And I mean shitty. Eye rolling, stomp around like Rumplestilsken shitty. I think she used an adverb like “eye bogglingly beautiful.” Fuck! Her editor should be sacked straight away for that. Stephanie Meyers is still learning, and she’s still got a bunch of learning to do. “Twilight” was the first novel she ever started and you can tell. The prose is just not exactly prose… I’d say a fourth or fifth grade level, unfortunately. There is no argument that the stories are incredibly wonderful, endearing, and insightful. But I thought that these graces should have been painted with more style in prose and voice. But only bat shit crazies like me can write worth a shit and Steph seems quite complacent and kind of normal; slowly improving with every novel she published thus far. Even so, after reading her latest adventure “The Host,” well, let’s just say that we hope Steph holds on to that “Twilight” nest egg as tight as nails and makes good investments, because I think this run is going to be a one shot phenomenon for her. So, books suck, but, because of the man candy in the films and the great soundtracks, Rana has a happy bunny.

My advice for those of you who are attempting to avoid getting sucked into the Black Hole that is “The Twilight Saga,” get over it. My spidey sense says you’ve got one incredibly muscled forearm and deep calluses on one hand and you’re very bitter about it. Of course all of you nihilists out there are hopeless, but aren’t you hopeless with everything else too?

These soundtracks are available every. fucking. where. You could plan a vacay around them. Hit up France for “Eclipse,” maybe South Africa for “New Moon”… hell, go to India for “Twilight.” You’ll inevitably find them. The song playing at this moment is The Black Keys, “Chop and Change.” Fuckawesome.

http://www.twilightthemovie.com/